ghost castle

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am i wrong to be so lonely?

nearly everywhere i look i feel like i get the message that maybe my loneliness isn't legitimate. before you can love others you have to love yourself. how can you love others if you don't love yourself? can't wait around on someone else to fix you. if you need someone else to be happy, there's the problem.

is that my problem? am i looking for connection because i feel like i need it to be happy or to be "fixed"? part of me says yes, of course, dipshit. but that same part of me has convinced me of all kinds of garbage. i don't think i should trust it. another part of me says goddamnit, it'd just be that much easier if i had a little love to throw on the fire.

how much time am i wasting sitting around wishing i was talking to someone? wishing someone thought of me and said, "oh hey, wanted to talk to you about _____,"? or wishing someone looked at me and liked what they saw, and maybe felt a match spark into flame in their chest? is that time worth spending? ever?

what has the internet done to interaction? the lost possibilities of sharing near-infinite depths, limited only by time invested, are read like the rings in a tree stump. simplified information gives way to simplified informers. all the venues exist to make someone else money. healthy relationships aren't a profit motive. was it like this before? has it always been just a give-and-take of ability, expression, time, resources? i guess so. damn it, i guess so.

the sports teams are everywhere. the whole world's a league. everyone's got their name, their logo, their mascots, their MVPs, their chants, their clubhouses. and when the world's a league, everything's a field. every conversation is a battle to be won. every idea is to be defeated or traded to make our team stronger. doesn't matter what they are. doesn't matter what the context is. doesn't matter. none of it matters. all that matters is you're that team and i'm this team; you're wrong and i'm right; you're cringe and i'm redpilled; you're this descriptor and i'm that descriptor; you are The Opposition (evil connotation) and i am The Opposition (righteous connotation). all we do is try to win the match. what's even the trophy?

i believe we find ourselves in others. you only know up if you know down. you only know right if you know wrong. the coin only has heads if it has tails. that kind of thing. so i believe we only know ourselves if we know others. and so i believe that sitting here, all day, every day, talking to no one, knowing no one, never being seen and never seeing, is the same as muscular atrophy. the things i am slowly fade away, and i forget them. people used to like my sense of humor. i don't even know what that means anymore.

oh well. whatever.