ghost castle

wonder

tired of awake, tired of asleep. tired of talking, tired of silence. tired of others, tired of myself. tired of movement, tired of stagnation. the infinite stagnation.

i wonder what it's like to not be this way. i wonder what it's like to enjoy being awake, and to sleep well. i wonder what it's like to have nightmares you forget and pleasant dreams that don't feel like they're mocking you.

i wonder what it's like to say what you want to say when you want to say it. to know when the time is. to know how to listen without making it about myself. to know how to ask for help without turning it into theater.

i wonder what it's like to have goals. to stick to them. to achieve. to grow. i wonder what it's like to go to new places and do new things and meet new people, to forget the meaning of the word stagnation, the meaning of the word hell.

i think most of all, though,

i wonder what it's like to have someone say good morning to me. i wonder what it's like to be told good night. i wonder what it's like to actually be a part of someone else's life. to be noticed. to be anything. to be anything to anyone. to be something at all other than the infinite stagnation.

the stale water. the curdled milk.


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