ghost castle

warmth

the last few days have been like a whirlwind almost, swirling and churning and dizzy. i've felt things i haven't felt in a while. i've felt incredible.

so much work you have to do to deal with mental shit is foundation work. these tiny changes in how you think and act and learning about all your little feelings and why each one is there. so much of it is invisible work. it's hard to look proudly at a foundation when you haven't really started the house yet, y'know? but the foundation work always pays off.

my confidence has skyrocketed these past few months. i've tried so hard to accept myself and it's finally becoming an easier thing to do. i got to the point i was comfortable enough again to wear my name and my face and my voice and actually be me. no screen name. no text only that can get so cold and lifeless. actually myself.

it was incredible. i had so much fun. i got called cute and adorable and told i had a sexy voice. i flirted. that's crazy to me. i talked and i listened and i laughed. and those parts of me that were so cold for so long started to feel warm again. really warm. almost dangerously warm. burning in my heart and my blood.

but what happened today? just a little something, some tiny reminder that dropped this freezing cold ball of steel right in the middle of my chest. i sat and i closed my eyes and i dwelled on it. it felt so horrible after all that warmth. the feeling sunk from a frigid cold in my chest to a heavy anchor in my stomach, and i dwelled on it there too. but then i opened my eyes, and it faded away. it melted. and inside i feel similar to how i usually feel after i'm hit with something like that, sort of empty and sort of aware and sort of nothing.

but this time i'm quite a bit warmer.


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