ghost castle

the upside

it's easy to see such a dour picture of myself when i look at this site. it's the same sort of issue i had with my black journal. but i'm feeing good right now, and so i want to capitalize on that, and bring some light into the black journal 2.0. so let's get literal: upside edition.

when i first was writing on this site i remember being entrenched in these horrid feelings, lasting hours and hours and days and days. i remember having to sort of tell myself to stop writing so much because i wanted to make two or more entries a day. but now. . . things come, and they go. i've learned to accept the feeling, feel it, and let it pass by. it's still a struggle, often, but it's happening more and more. so that's progress.

i've always had an issue with catastrophizing. taking the bad and making it nuclear. it's shown up a lot throughout this journal. even very recently. but i'm noticing it more now. i'm challenging it more now. it doesn't paralyze me for nearly as long. so that's progress.

when i look in the mirror i kind of like the guy i see. he could stand to lose some weight. but he's working on it, and he isn't mean to himself about it anymore. needs a shave. maybe some like face moisturiser, lookin' a little rough there, pal. i like his eyes. i like his kind, awkward smile, especially when it gets so huge it takes over his whole face. i like his kinda doofy nose that for the first time looks endearing. those teeth don't look as bad as i remember. and i love his hair. gorgeous. so that's progress. no, actually, that's PROGRESS. ALL CAPS. that is GOD. DAMN. PROGRESS.

there are anxieties and phobias that hold me back in my daily life. for some reason, this is the big anxiety-pit i always try and avoid talking about, that i judge myself the most harshly for. but guess what? i've been surfin' that pit and making so much progress recently, and i have such a clear plan, and can i type the word progress again?

i just really need to be honest with myself: the only reason i'm so tough on myself is because that's who i've been my whole life. but that person is slipping into the past. they're changing into the me of my future.

and i think this site has been such a huge part of it. giving me a way to be so open and descriptive and bold with what i say, knowing it's being read and understood and that there's people rooting for me. i've made real friendships through this site. that thought boggles my mind! the parts of me i considered my worst bits are the parts people saw and wanted to know better. the parts you related to. the parts you connected with. you saw my darkness, and it was shining. when that knowledge hits me it crumbles even my strongest walls, truly. to the people who have played a part of my story this last year, big or small, and especially those of you who have played huge parts in it: thank you so much. i love you all. truly.

now, you're still gonna see more depressed posts from me. maybe even in the next few days. that's just how i am. i think that's probably how i'll always be. but in my about page, it says, "ghost is also happy sometimes but doesn't really need to journal about that." and you know what i'm realizing now? that's bullshit. i need to change it. ghost absolutely needs to blog about that.

about how happy you all helped him become.


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