ghost castle

untangling the lie

everyone liked me, but i hated me. they thought i was funny, kind, whatever. but i knew the truth. i saw the pain and the anger in myself. i watched myself hide it away time and time again. i convinced myself that the parts of me people liked were lies and the part i saw was the truth.

so i came to the conclusion that i was one of the most manipulative people on earth.

why wouldn't i? the way i saw it, i was lying all of the time. i must be. it's the only way to explain it. i hate myself. i can't stand being around me. so why can everyone else? they just don't know the real me.

i act this way to get people to like me. if i was my true self they wouldn't be near me. no one would. so my true self deserves to be alone. and if i'm not alone, that isn't what i deserve. i don't deserve friends. i don't deserve love. i've made these friendships through years and years of careful manipulation and hiding my true self.

how long did i think this way? a decade? more? so much time, wasted.

there was never a separation between the parts of me i showed people and the parts of me i kept to myself. they were always the same person. i rejected the good to stay living in hate of myself. i convinced myself to strangle friendships and burn love. i convinced myself that things could never be different.

it didn't take long to untangle that lie. it didn't take much effort to make the scale of my self deception click! in my head, obvious as a wall. it just took a smoke and a bit of a think. so why did i spend so much time stuck on it?

god, why?