ghost castle

i am unhinged

it just took one little thing. one teeny, tiny thing to go wrong. something that'll probably be fixed by tonight. something that, at worst, will be fixed tomorrow. and i lost it.

it just took one little thing to send me into hysterics. to get me screaming. weeping. to get my throat closed up and my glasses water-spotted and my nose runny and raw. to spike my anxiety through the roof, to make my blood pressure skyrocket and my heart beat against my chest like a battering ram, desperate to break out and finally, thankfully, stop. running around the house. throwing myself against walls. just one little thing.

my hands are still shaking. my breath is still ragged. i clenched my face so hard, straining against myself, i burst a blood vessel in my right eye, the white of it now stained red. for the next couple weeks, every time i look at myself in the mirror, i'll see it as a reminder that it just took one teeny, tiny thing.

i feel so stupid. so worthless. so weak. i am ashamed. and embarrassed. i am unhinged. why do i have to be me? i feel so small. teeny, tiny.