ghost castle

sitcom character

i’ve felt for a long time like i was somehow less valid than other people. i’ve thought of myself as more like a shell than a person. at more extreme times, a sitcom character. comic relief.

i wonder where it came from. i don’t remember when it first showed up. surely at some point i had a normal self image and then something happened that changed that. what was it?

i’ve only started opening up recently. most of my life i kept my emotions to myself, because i didn’t think they were worth talking about. other people have real emotions for real reasons, and i have fake emotions for fake reasons to help fill out the b-story. i guess, in this metaphor, the a-story is everyone else’s lives.

for so long i’ve told myself that i can’t feel certain ways, i’m not allowed to. that the deep pain in me wasn’t actually valid. some things were, tangible emotions were. but the things i felt, that i’m beginning to understand, and that i’m beginning to accept, those things weren’t real. other people felt deep, complex emotions. not comic relief characters.

one day i’ll reach the point that i don’t judge my own emotions. maybe then i won’t hide all this from you.

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