ghost castle

. . . sated.

i don't want to romanticize drug use. i think some of my other entries have shown just how damaging it can be to your mental state. however i also owe it to myself to be honest, even when honesty is, wrongfully, unapologetic.

i'm on 4mg of klonopin. someone came through. took 1mg a few hours ago and them 3mg all at once about an hour ago. it's setting in real smooth right now. peace, comfort, with a twinge of euphoria. and no matter how much i want to, or how low my inhibitions get, i'm not taking more. no more black out weeks. i've found it really easy to cut back on smoke. and even with the lowered inhibitions that come along with this, i think i may be able to do the same here (famous last words). my consistent sobriety over the last few weeks was so much easier than i expected, especially coming after some pretty unnerving stuff and a large bout of depression. the things i used as crutches, well, i walked just fine without them. guess i can take the cast off my leg now.

with addictions i think that many people think they can control it only to disastrously discover they can't. but i don't know; i don't know many addicts. a few. but looking at my history: it was really easy for me to quit smoking, just don't get cigs anymore; it was really easy for me to quit drinking, just say, "fuck this timebomb shit that blows you up from the inside hours after your fun ran out,"; with smoke it was just, "hey, my sinuses are fucked and i wanna breathe, so, lay off sucking up burning flower for a lil bit," and even though i'm breathing much better now i still don't have much a drive to pick smoking back up in the same way, in the same amounts. people struggle with getting away from this stuff every day. but i had almost no trouble with it. it feels unfair, almost.

but the monkey on my back has always been benzos. smoke can sit in a mason jar for weeks without me touching it. i could sip whiskey for weeks (or pound it, depending on my mood) without getting sloppy fucked up, even waking up often without a hangover. and cigs. . . just shitty smoke. i actually have a pack, but no desire to smoke it. however, benzos. . . i just can't get away from them. the seductive comfort, peace, when there's so little in my life. it's like a siren songs, a green bar hanging delicately from gorgeous lips, begging for a kiss, just one. and when i want it, i'll tear the fucking house apart trying to find it. searching all the nooks and crannies where things might be.

but not this time

they've been up there for weeks. i took one as needed. took two a few days ago during a real bad downward spiral. if it's in my house and it isn't gone in fifteen minutes i count that as a win. and it seems like lately i'm finding small victories all over the place.

so i took a few mgs of klonopin. so what? took less than i used to. feel better than i used to. nowhere close to blacking out. or getting so sloppy i start messaging people on snapchat or facebook or god knows what. why am i on facebook again? zuckerberg can get trapped in a port-a-john. fucker killed the simple act of talking. no sympathy. doesn't deserve any.

and, well. . . i just downed 2mgs more. even after swearing i wouldn't. but the upside is: that's all i had. no more. and again, not enough to get black out sloppy. if i want to keep using benzos, which god yes i want to keep using benzos, it has to be sporadic, and limited. guy rolls in with a bag of hulks? give me just one. some footballs? four-five-six, no more. i don't want to be barred every day. i want to remember my life. and i don't want a fucking grand mal seizure either. but, if i occasionally get too stoned to lift my head, and maybe if i just ride the line of too-much-to-drink when i'm with friends, and maybe if occasionally i wanna get infinite stranded, barred out. . . maybe that isn't too bad. but if it stays in my house, if i have connections and shit, i'll never be sober again. that's my limit. "if, and only if, the opportunity arises, and only if the opportunity won't rob me of the memory of the next six days of my life.

and never touch anything harder than what i'm already on. you don't give a snub revolver to a teething toddler, right? so keep the lean the fuck away. (i've tried lean twice, and i loved it both times, and so that's it. never again. that shit kills.)

probably, if all this rambling amounts to some sort of "plan," there's still gonna be the process of learning where my limits truly are. with what i've put together today, i have a clearer understading. but the full picture isn't there yet.

recreational drugs - pharmaceutical drugs - physical health - cognitive behavioral therapy. i'm sure i can balance that all out. but my therapist may disagree.

well, i'll drug til our next session.


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