ghost castle

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there's a lot to like about the process of keeping this journal. it's been a helpful outlet for me. sometimes it helps me untangle some thoughts that are giving me trouble. sometimes it helps to just say what i'm feeling, and then i feel better. it helps knowing people read what i write.

but sometimes, knowing people read what i write gives me trouble too. sometimes i get caught up on some thought or feeling i've had before, i've written about before, and words start coming together to make it make sense in some kind of structure. and then this little voice pops up that just says,


suddenly i'm picturing what it must look like, all these things about the same feelings, over and over again. helpful in the moment, sometimes helpful in the long run, laid out in rows like a cemetery. someone seeing a new post and thinking to themselves, haven't i already read this? wait, they're still dealing with this? i think of myself typing it out and flatly saying to myself, yep, still dealing with this.

someone said something to me that fed into issues and insecurities i've had for a long time. i'm surprised, impressed, proud of how well i handled it. true growth moment. however that doesn't mean i'm not still insecure about these things. i've felt it pretty recently. obviously i've written about it before. obviously i wanted to write about it now. but then there's that part of me, doubting, judging, imagining,

damn, another rerun.