ghost castle

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it make so much sense.

i was looking for something online, completely unrelated to anything about my mental health, when i found an interview with someone talking about religious trauma. i had never heard the term religious trauma before. and while it was clear to me in some ways how religion had influenced and damaged my thinking, i had never considered ways that it could be affecting me even deeper. when i read the phrase, it was like a lightbulb clicked, the knots became untangled.

i can do all this through Him who gives me strength. no wonder i feel so powerless on my own. someone told me as a child that i am weak but He is strong.

for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of god. no wonder i feel like i can never live up. someone told me as a child that i'm a sinner, i'll always be a sinner, and i'll always fuck up.

godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. no wonder i can never rid myself of the guilt i feel over every little thing. someone told me as a child that the only forgiveness that matters is the one in the church.

for from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. all these evil things come from within, and they defile a person. no wonder i judge my thoughts and feelings so harshly. someone told me as a child that my thoughts and feelings are the true evil. no wonder my depression started when i hit puberty. my church preached against lust more than any other sin.

if any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. no wonder i hate my self and my life. someone told me to. when i was just a fucking child. someone taught a room full of children that they're supposed to hate life.

before i could form memories, my chance at individuality was taken from me. the choice of my identity was made for me. my beliefs were decided before i could believe them. my body was permanently modified without my consent while i was just an infant. my mind and body were changed and molded from the time i was born for the specific purpose of supporting a religion even if it was detrimental to me.

it's not the singular missing piece to the puzzle, but it's a pretty damn big one. i look back across everything on this site and see traces of it everywhere. i see myself asking questions i now have an answer to.

no wonder i am the way i am when religion thrives on guilt, fear, and self hate.