i have no words to write. sitting here staring at a blank screen. forcing it.
i am exhausted. it feels like a nonstop release. all this pain i’ve been holding onto for so long. seeping out of me every moment i’m awake. occasionally bursting through like a wild flood making a mockery of a dam. i’m tired of crying, but i’m pretty sure holding back tears is what got me here to begin with. my nose is red and raw. my eyes are puffy and listless. i’m too caught up in my head, near dizzy when i stand. my mind struggles and strings nothing together. a sentence takes so much longer than a sentence. each word like a mountain to overcome.
but it’s good, though. as i said it’s pain being released. it’s good. it just hurts so goddamn much and i’m dealing with it totally alone. that makes it a little less good.
on an unrelated note, i hate my imagination. every day my stupid fantasies of how the rest of the year will go get dimmer in reality and stronger in my mind. my self-imposed rules and deadlines squeeze me like a shrinking cage. my wandering heart loves to throw itself under every boot it meets.
the only thing as good as a beer (or 6) and a joint at sunset is a coffee and a joint at sunrise. the only thing better than that is feeling comfortable enough in your own skin to enjoy being sober, not needing the flames of alcohol and weed to keep your body heat up.
but at least the sunset’s a nice one, i guess.