ghost castle

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reaching out

why am i so bad at being a friend?

i'm horrible at reaching out. i don't know how or what to say. i don't know how to talk about my issues with someone. i don't know how to convince myself they're worth more than an anonymous diary entry. i can't make myself believe anyone wants to hear about them.

i back it up in my mind, too. i only remember the times i'm venting about something. i conveniently skip over every conversation that wasn't about that. talking about movies or music or something that happened. they just slip away and i hold on to the ones that make me out to be the me — the awful version of myself that only exists in my head.

i hide away while these things rot my brain and i start to feel horrible about myself, and then i'm even less likely to reach out. i feel more shitty than i did the last time i wanted to. so i just end up not even trying. and the less i reach out to people the less they reach out to me. i don't talk about the big stuff, i don't talk about the little stuff.

i'm bad at making friends. there's tons of sites that have contact info on them. i so rarely say anything. i've made a few friends on neocities, not many, but a few. even then i'm bad at responding to messages and holding conversations. i don't know how to hold a conversation anymore i think. i don't even know how to start one.

i got new glasses. do they look good? i don't know if i like them. do you like my new pin? no, i've had this shirt for a while but i don't wear it often. it's nice though, yeah? hey, there's something that's been weighing on me, and it's kind of hard for me to talk about, but can i talk to you?