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practice

meditation is something i've grown pretty good at. used to be, it was hard to even keep my eyes closed. i'd say my mantra and it'd get lost in a flurry of thoughts flying every which way. the 20 minutes felt like hours.

now, i can just close my eyes and i'm there. sometimes i don't even feel like i need my mantra. i just sit down and i'm immersed in it. and i open my eyes and an hour and a half has passed in a single breath.

it's the same way with hating myself. i've grown pretty good at it.

it comes naturally. i just close my eyes and i'm immersed in it, and i open my eyes and who knows how much time has passed. a second, an hour, a day, a week. i've had a lot of practice.

i'm so fucking tired of it being so hard. i'm tired of it feeling like a battle just to keep my chin up. always on guard for the words like monster, ugly, worthless, garbage, swatting them away when they get too close. do you know how hard it is to keep swinging my arms at them? i'm exhausted.

catching myself in a reflection and instinctively looking away before saying, no, you look, and you find something to like. smile at yourself like you believe it. fighting those things that drag me down while i make eye contact with myself. pretending i'm not looking at the ugly lumpy gross sack of shit that's taken everything from me. the smile, the weakest lie i've ever told.

arguments with myself about how i think. constantly tearing down my own thoughts to try to rebuild them into something better. always examining the attack strategy. always fixing up the defenses. always burying the dead.

practicing meditation is easy. you sit still and stay quiet.

practicing this fucking sucks.


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