ghost castle

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that goddamn mirror is just begging to be my arch enemy, i swear. the thing's taunting me, laughing at me. no joke. i hear it.

i don't know why i've been so focused on my physical lately. my face, my hair, my voice, my body, everything external about me. maybe because i never thought about it before. i went through so much of my life just tacitly accepting the idea that all that shit about me sucked. i've always had a fine relationship with my intelligence and my creativity and though my emotional relationship with myself is all kinds of fucked up, it's there.

but i never let myself develop ideas about who i was eternally. i never let myself look in the mirror and consider that, on a scale of 1 to 10, maybe i wasn't 'N/A.' maybe i was actually a number.

i took a picture of myself i really liked. really, really liked. i liked it so much in that moment i put it on the only "social media" i have. and there it stays. the "best" picture of myself i've ever taken. the only one that my biggest critic was impressed by. but now when i see it i only see a mess. oddly sized facial features that aren't spaced well and unflattering shadows and unevenness and all the little ways the angle and the lighting and my attire work to hide my ghoulishness.

how many people have complimented my looks this year? i think the number is like 4. who knew that many people even existed, am i right? but even if in the moment i got the compliment it felt real it sure as fuck doesn't anymore. just feels like nothing. like it never even happened. who would i believe? what would i believe? what would ever actually make a difference in my relationship with myself? the shit i think certainly doesn't make a difference. it only reinforces what's already there.

i hate all this feeling. i feel stupid typing it out. it all feels so pointless. so then why does it also feel so important? aaaaaaaah. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

i wish someone would justtell me i'm cute or handsome or attractive or anything and i'd just. . . believe it. accept it. internalize it. become it.