sometimes i wonder what it'll be like once i'm on the other side of all this. it's sometimes comforting that my mind knows there's an other side. but what will it be like?i know i'll still deal with a lot of this stuff for most of my life. you can grow a lot, but you can't exactly grow out of mental illness. you just manage it. what will managing look like?
so often i imagine myself talking to someone about what i've been through. what would i say? how would i say it? stumbling my way through a long and foggy nightmare story, trying to find the words to come off as. . . not pathetic.
what am i going to see in their eyes? will their gaze cut into me like a razorblade being slid into my throat? will they grimace like one does at some gross insect? will they go off to find someone without baggage that's so central to their experience?
what damage do i have that i can't undo? what parts of my mind are permanently severed? what traumas will last? will i still know how to be a friend after so long alone? will i still know how to talk at all? what if i can never find home? what if there's too much distance between me and the world? what if i really am too far gone?
sometimes it's comforting that there's an other side. sometimes it's dreadful.