ghost castle

nostalgia for pain

lately i've wanted to feel. i've wanted to feel for a long time but since the start of the year it's been even worse. my core is like an ache, a permanent pining for some overwhelming emotion besides despair, and i want to satisfy it. i want to be free of this black shroud that's wrapping me up inside, this miasma that lays low across everything that i am.

i've started trying to recall dreams i've had about fun times in strange places while i smoke, images of swirling carnival rides from some subconscious fiction from some forgotten night, searching for the perfect song to compliment the high and the thought and maybe that will form an emotion. of course, it doesn't.

the problem with wanting to feel is that i get nostalgic for times in my life where i've been overwhelmed by emotion—positive or not. i've had very few strong positive emotions in my life, and a lot of negative ones.

so i end up looking back fondly on times where i was left heartbroken, times where i tried and failed, times when my life was breaking apart in my white-knuckle grip. i want to go back there. i want to feel unrequited love, and rejection, and disappointment. i want to feel the hot, heavy air and the incredibly strong thumping in my chest on those nights where i fucked up and i knew i couldn't fix it.

just get me out of the miasma.