no more benzos. that's it. i tried to keep some just for the high, some for the anxiety. didn't work. i waited a few weeks. got a refill. tried it again. didn't work. took 'em all. made a fucking prick of myself on snapchat. oh well. isn't the first time. but this time? fuck it. fuck it all. i hate benzos. the deepest you can hate is if you loved it first and i worshipped benzos. so now they can get fucked.
smoked a little. haven't smoked in a while. strong stuff. i'm outside, i see a millipede on the patio. lately i've appreciated insects. i put it on my hand and it starts crawling around it in circles. i record it on snapchat, laughing at the pure joy i felt in that moment. the pure joy at what? at a millipede! that tiny, quiet, realer-than-real joy in moments where you are face to face with the universe not in complexity, but in simplicity. and that's when i knew. and so i put on the video:
"so joints just make me happy but benzos make me act like a fuckin idiot. benzos are fuckn stupid and im done with em. im embarrassed but that's fine. sorry for being stupid."
and you know what? i have no doubt in my mind that i'm actually done. because i've never wanted to be done before. i was always "done" out of necessity. but now? no thanks, doc, don't give me that prescription or that bottle will be gone by monday. nope i don't wanna buy some hulks. no more.