ghost castle


i feel like i'm manipulating you.

a few months ago i wrote an entry called untangling the lie. in it, i talked about how my negative views of myself made me feel like i was lying to everyone around me to get them to like me. reading back on it, it's a bit closed-ended. i feel like i accidentally implied that i had fixed the problem—the titular "tangled lie"—but i haven't. i still struggle with it. lately, i've been feeling like this site is just another manipulation.

i haven't lied to you. there isn't a single falsehood on this site. i don't edit what i want to say, i don't rewrite sentences and use a thesaurus to pick the perfect words to evoke the perfect feeling. i don't sit and think, "what feeling does this line elicit?" or, "how can i make this sound better?" whatever i type is what i post. one draft. i promise you.

but for some reason, i still feel like i'm being manipulative. as if i'm still, somehow, at some level, editing myself, choosing exactly how to say each and every thing to make you feel for me. i feel like i'm tricking you into understanding what i'm thinking, and if anything i write makes you feel something, i feel like i've lied to you to get that. that it isn't a real emotion you feel. that i've fooled you into caring, or empathizing, or pitying. that i don't deserve the comments i've gotten, the views i've gotten, the emails, none of it. i feel like i'm running some kind of long con. what the end goal of it would be, i don't know.

i feel the need to apologize, although i haven't done what i feel i need to apologize for. i don't know whether i should be apologizing to you or to myself.

but i'm sorry.