ghost castle

klonopin II

fucked up again, didn't you. damn. i don't know whether to disappointed, or just plain embarrassed.

that fucking "mikey's dead" song keeps playing in my head. is it actually playing? or am i imagining it?

at least this time i took precautions. i took half my pills and gave them to someone else, told them to hide them. so even though i fucked up i didn't waste all of my medicine. the shit i actually need for panic attacks. i still have some around here, for when i really do need it.

unless, of course, i tear the house apart again and find the bottle with the big black "K" on the lid.

it will be fine. i afforded myself a little leniency, thinking i could handle it this time, but i couldn't. but i prepared for that. i'm not completely fucked.

i'm just disappointed in myself. i'm embarrassed. i'm ashamed. if i wasn't benzo'd i'd be hateful to myself. if i wasn't stoned on top of that i'd just be shutting down, burning back down to embers. i'm just. . . .

i'm just me. this is all i am. maybe all i'll ever be.