ghost castle

klonopin

DON'T USE ADDICTIVE DRUGS. PLEASE.

7:45 - dosed

8:19 noticing decreased inhibition, thought patterns changing

8:31 does more. @ 5mg now. inhibitions LOWERED

8:36 started loudlly singing. this happens a lot to me on the come up.

8:48 lightness in limbs, generally hollow feeling, in a pleasurable way. feel very centered in my chest

used to be my changing thought patterns got me real nostalgic and thinking about the past. maybe because of my recent studies of zen my new thoughts have me thinking & feeling positively about my place in nature, and thinking about how underneath the layers of societal, familial, amical, & economic expectations and fictitious rules i feel a level of connection and belonging to my surroundings. its a good sign that i can actually feel this way, even if just a little, and thru a bit of drugs. does that mean im internalizing the outlook? or that it's changed my thoughts around? i think it's a good thing.

8:56 @6mg. inhibitions.

9:10 loss of distinction between my self and my surroundings. feel like i'm part of them, and they are part of me. isn't that how it works though? we shape our surroundings and our surroundings shape us. there is no true distinction. you can't be a writer without a pen and paper, you can't be a painter without paint and canvas, there are no musicians without instruments. there are no farmers without wide open land, and no pilots without the sky. reducing our indentities to what's inside the boundaries of our skin doesn't make sense in a world where most of what we would identify ourselves with happens outside of that skin. it's a lie to assume that people are separate from nature when nature made us. personhood and being a part of nature are the same thing. and in that earth's history made our ancestors, which then eventually made us, and that the earth's ancestors eventually made it, and in that the metals in your blood and the carbon in your skin were forged in the hearts of stars, those stars themselves forged after eons of gas clouds clumping together, and then the heavier elements are ejected outward in massive explosions, you see that the ancestry of who you are is in fact the entire history of the universe. we are not just members of nature but we are the cutting edge, the brand-new thing that's the culmination of all of universal history, the first thing so advanced and so complex that not only is it able to understand its place in the world and agree or disagree with its belonging there, but is complex enough in thought and feeling and sensory depth that within each and every human is a universe entirely to themselves, archives of thoughts and memories and feelings and knowledge, and the ability to create anything they want within that universe through thought alone. we are infinitely complex beings just as the universe that made is is infinitely complex, but in that complexity there is a core of simplicity of letting the complexity fall to the wayside, of clearing your mind and looking at the stars. and if you understand all of this, and you gaze at the stars, laying in a yard or in a reclining yard chair, and you seel nothing but the ednless stars stretched out in front of you. you will feel the most incredible feeling in your chest. it's the feeling of belonging, not to any human group, or nation, or ideology, or anthing, but a feeling of belonging and unity with everything that exists. the universe as a whole is recognizing you, and you are recognizing it right back. universal unity.

1:37 really light limb movement. kind of week. not unpleaseant, very chill.

9:49 limb mobement slower, deliberate. vision seems to alternate between an inability to focus and hyperfocus

9:54 hiccups set in. always get hiccups with benzos.went to the kitchen to try and find a fix. but my legs felt watery, like this incredibly light pressure that's somehow keeping you standing.tried an old trick of dringing a little vinegar and it helped a bit, the benzo hiccups aren't as frequent or strong.

100: moving my limbs is much more difficult at times time. like moving through water.

10:08 officially entered //SLOW ZONE// ALL MOTOR MOVEMENT NERFED BY 15%//GETTING CAUGHT IN THOUGHTS BUFFED 150%

10:15 @7.5, I FEEL IT WHEN I WALK, THE SLIGHT SWAY, THE HEAVY FOOTPRINTS, THE LIGHTNESS, ALMOST LIKE I'M GLIDING.r

11:06 clumsy, stunbled around the house & slammed into a doorway with considerable force. coulnd't really walk a straigh line, and when i got more pills from my closet i swear i hit that door like 5 times.

1:02 feelin dope. drank a beer, got a cool focused-but-out-of-it vibe going on.

3:56 i just realized i makdea a log and stuff. now begins the ardurous taslk of putting it in the html

PICKING UP BENZOS WAS THE WORST DECISION I EVER MADE.



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