i want to be dead. all the time i want to be dead. im sick of saying it and walking it back and pretending i dont and saying i have hope and acting like im not actually giving up and deleting entries before anyone reads them and all of this shit. i wish i was high. i wish i was relapsing. i wish i was bleeding. im so tired o fit. im cant do it anymore. i dreamedabout friends that are gone and friends ill never meet and that things were different. ive been trying fo years. but look at the site. does it look like ive been trying? so i didnt do so well then huh. i botched it. i wasnt amde for life. i cound have gone years ago and made it quick and easy but i dragged it out for so long and made so much more hurt than there needed to be. im so scared. im not going to. i dont know how i know bt i know im not going to. but god damn do i want to. its all i want in the world anymore.