id write this entry by smashing my keyboard with my fists if it would produce something legible. im so angry at myself. im so hateful at this moment. i want to hurt myself, i want to hurt my surroundings. i want to crush my own heart in my hand like an empty soda can. i want to pull the veins from my arm like i'm starting a lawnmower. i want to pour my blood on a bonfire. rend my chest open like saloon doors. bruise myself. blacken my own eyes. i want to jump from a high place over and over until my ankles break. give me a pencil to deafen myself. give me shears to cut off my tongue.