ghost castle

friends like these

i make friends rarely, but i make them for life. most of the people i know i've known for ten years or more. some i've known for, quite literally, my entire life.

but there's this one guy who seems hell-bent on testing the limits of my compassion. i've known him for fifteen fucking years. fifteen fucking years. i was his friend when the school hated him, when my parents hated him, when his church hated him, i was his friend when he moved away and when he came back. i love this guy.

but a few years ago, he gets in a fight with a mutual friend of ours, and decides he needs to ~cut these TOXIC people out of my life!!!~ and so he does. he removes our mutual friend on everything. but he does it to me as well. he punished me for a fight he had with someone else. he didn't tell me why. he didn't let me know. he just. fucking. ghosted. and understandably i was hurt. mad at him for doing it, sad that i had lost a friend over something not my fault, and as far as i understand what happened between them, was a massive overreaction.

this dude has problems. he has abandonment issues, but he has no problem abandoning others. he expects perfection from his friends but expects leniency for himself. he won't "give respect" unless he "gets respect" and then doesn't understand why no one respects him when he treats them like assholes right out the gate. he never tells you what you're doing wrong so you never know to fix it. and he's quick to see his friends as enemies.

a few months ago he hits me up needing to talk about serious shit. and because i'm his friend, i do. we have an open, honest, caring, nonjudgemental conversation, and i genuinely tried to help him. subsequently, he worked his way back into the lives of everyone he had ghosted years earlier. honestly i was glad to have him back. it seemed like he had grown. it felt like old times. i was happy with it.

but wouldn't you know it, he had a fight with the same person again, over a misunderstanding, again, and he ghosted us. again. this motherfucker didn't learn shit. and now i'm mad, and i'm sad, all over again. i miss him as a friend. but i think that, in reality, i miss the friend i thought i had more than the friend i did have. because the friend i thought i had would never do this to me. but the friend i did have, did.

i'm not wasting any more compassion on this guy. he's shown me—twice—how much he values my friendship. none. he's shown me —TWICE— how comfortable he is abandoning me. very! he's shown me—TWICE!—that he is not like the friends i've had for my whole life.

so why should i waste my time on him as if he was?