ghost castle

fatigue

at this point in time, life is fatigue. nothing more, nothing less. everything that word implies is everything i experience. i'm so tired, in every way. my body aches, uncomfortable when i sit, weak when i stand, waves of dull pain hitting me when i lay down. i haven't slept well in weeks, on my uncomfortable mattress and under my flimsy blanket. i'm tired of the sleeping pills that give me a headache before i fall asleep. i'm tired of every day pills, every day headaches, every day not enough sleep. i can't focus. i can't think. my life is falling apart around me and i'm too tired to stop it. and then the world at large is testing my patience, challenging my sensibilities and my morals every damn day. this crazy world we have now. i hate it.

things look strange lately. they feel strange. otherworldly. i've been light, blown by the wind, never focused on one thing for more than a few minutes. i look but i don't see. i hear but don't listen. i feel like i'm trapped between two dimensions almost, some weird tug-of-war happening with my mind, my heart, my eyes. i'm being dragged in so many directions i'm spinning like a carnival ride. i have no foundation.

but i have myself. this little internal world in my own mind that i can retreat to. i can close my eyes, and i can put on the sound of rain, and i can listen to calm music underneath that. the raindrops soothe my headache away. maybe i burn a flower. and i can imagine all the things i've forgotten to imagine, and dream like i used to at night. and it's my thoughts, and only my thoughts.

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