ghost castle

i dunno

i just

i dunno.

im sick of this nothing life. im sick of trying to manufacture feelings with drugs. im sick of having no one to feel things with.

where was i yesterday? where was i today? it's all just a blur.

i feel like i've said this all a hundred times on this site before. but i dont know the words to communicate the true depth of the isolation. the loneliness. oh well. fuck it i guess.

this all feels like a chore


i'm so bereft of any kind of feeling. if i smoke and drink enough i can feel a kind of warmth in me that vaguely resembles the feeling of love or motivation, that spark in your chest, the burning on your heart, the only thing i feel, the burning. i read a psychology book and a quote that stood out was about people who suppressed their emotions in childhood trying to regain the intensity of that emotion through drugs. i guess that's what i'm doing. i want to feel something! give me the unrequited love i used to have! at least it's real!