ghost castle

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something i've never talked about on here is that i have a phobia of driving. i've never talked about it because i'm ashamed of it. i feel weak and incompetent struggling with this thing that's practically necessary that everyone else can do but i just can't. i never feel in control behind the wheel. it scares the shit out of me. i don't know why. and i can't seem to overcome it.

i'm so, so, so fucking ashamed of myself. so fucking ashamed. i feel so worthless. so fucking weak. worthless, weak. a fucking idiot. can't do something fucking teenagers know how to do. teenagers. kids. more competent than me. so fucking weak. shameful. you coward. you infant.

last night i broke down over it. everything i ever was and everything i could have been has been destroyed. i've tried so hard. i've pushed myself to the edge of panic attacks. but i can't do it.

today one of my childhood friends died in a car accident. twelve hours later, basically on the dot. i don't know what i'm feeling. cold and numb and empty. your memory card is still in my gamecube. it still says your name in faded sharpie, "____'s Card." and it still has the line through it, the sarcastic text underneath, "not anymore!"

the timing is just horrific. a sick coincidence. am i going to go to your funeral? sit in a room filled with the pain that fuels my phobia? watch my worst fears unfurl in real time? what would that do to me? but this is you we're talking about. but this is me we're talking about.

i don't even know how to end this. i hate myself and my weakness.