ghost castle

lovely lonely dreams

lovely dreams make for lonely mornings.

it's impressive how subtly my brain can hurt me; how nuanced it can make the hurt. like a knife sliding between your ribs, gently, so gently that you don't notice until it's hilt-deep. it knows exactly where your nerves are so it knows exactly how to maneuver as to not make itself known until the last moment, where it twists 45 degrees and rends your chest open.

i dreamt you were here, near me. i dreamt you noticed something was wrong, and you asked with sincerity what it was. you listened as i talked on and on, i cried, i shook, i was pathetic in all the ways i pretend i'm not. and you listened. you held my hands. the warmth was incredible. like mana for my touch-starved soul.

i laid on my bed, you laid on the couch. i asked to cuddle, you said to come to the couch, and i said i didn't think we'd both fit. so you crawled into bed with me as i pulled another pillow up beside mine, but to my surprise you didn't lay your head on it. you laid your head on my chest. my heart beat harder, desperate to speak to you. you laid on me and listened. the moment lasted so long. my heart slowed as we melted together. you looked up into my eyes. i woke up.

i just want someone to look into my eyes. i want touch. i want to be still with someone. i want them to see that i'm not okay, to see what my issues are, and finally to see the person underneath them. i want to be known.

i want to lay with you.