ghost castle

i don't know yet

i feel like nothing about me is set in stone, and i don't mean that as a good thing. i think that i've burned myself into this tiny little ember, and that's all that's left of me. but an ember can still spark a fire.

who am i? i don't know yet. what do i want? i don't know yet. what's wrong with me? i don't think i know yet. how am i gonna get out of this? i don't know yet.

meditation is cool. it helps me a lot. so do drugs, but i'm trying to cut back on all that. i don't drink anymore. i'm smoking less. and outside of one fuckup you can read about a few entries down, i don't pop pills like i used to. i've been popping them responsibly, like i'm supposed to. i think that's called "using as prescribed."

some days there's hope. a lot of it. other days there's dread. a lot of it. i feel like everything about me is in a transitory state, like a wave; the same shape, the same movement, but the water in it is always changing. a wave is "a wave," but it's never the same substance for long.

i want to learn to roll with the wave. that would be nice.