ghost castle

committed to a bad idea

i'm getting more klonopin tonight. a full bottle. fifteen mgs. i'm nervous. i'm worried. i'm ecstatic.

i know i shouldn't use it. i know it's addictive. i know it makes me do and say stupid things. i know i've fucked myself over with it more times than i used it properly. i know it's very possible that after the first few mgs i'll lose my self control and end up downing the rest of the bottle and losing my entire weekend. i know it's a bad idea.

but i'm committed to it.

it's the druggie in me talking. i know it is. i have no illusions about myself being a person in control of their urges. i know that the last few entries related to benzos read like an addict bargaining with themselves, trying to convince themselves they don't have a problem. and i know i do have a problem.

but i just want to feel okay. i want an evening of calm, peace, happy. it's fucking awful that i feel i need to take pills to get there. i understand that. and i'm not okay with that. i'm not proud of myself. in fact, just the opposite.

but, please, understand. please understand. i just want to feel okay. just for a few hours. please.