ghost castle

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bad friend

i hate being the kind of person who cant talk for shit. i cant hold a conversation. i cant start one either. i dont know what to say. i will sit and think for so long about how to even start but never do. i never find an answer. even if i do start one it will die before long. because i just don't know how to be a friend. i stop talking and get self conscious and start to feel like a sack of shit that no one wants to talk to. and then i hide away for so long that by the next time i want to talk, the relationship is already dead. i can't keep anyone around. when i just want someone around. i can't say a word when i want to talk. i'm a bad friend. i'm the fuckin worst.

how will i ever convince anyone to care about me? what would be the point. i'm a joke. i'm pathetic. i'm an ugly fucking buzzkill, i'm so ashamed. i'm worthless. i am what i deserve to be. god damn it.