it woudl be very easy to make the case that i am not of sound mind. this site serves as the Newest Testament built around that goal. and yet when i hear people identify themselsves as insane or something like that i can't help but feel embarrassed, to judge them for attention seeking. even though that's just what i'm doing too. so i guess my judgement of them is in reality a judgement of myself.a projection, not actually reflective of the others in question. i see my own issues in others and judge them like i judge myself, when they don't deserve it.
today i sat in my chair and watched some time killer shit i'd seen a dozen times before and watched as the clock ticked from 4:49, to 4:45, to 4:44, (the jay-z number). waiting for it to get late enough to take my drugs. had to make sure someone near me was fine, they got their second vaccine shot today and i needed to be ready to help if they started feeling bad. and they felt fine. so i got the drugs ready.
honestly this year i've made a lot of progress. but progress is a constant barrage of discomfort, putting me on edge until i do it so much that the edge disappears. but, when i can't exactly get out there and try, that edge is still there. and what dulls that? benzos, weed, sangria. said i'd quit benzos. used a few times since. always less quantities. always take precautions, getting someone to hide the pills. but i still use.5mg tonight.
tried to reach out to someone. they're too busy hanging out with their roommates and girlfriend. they haven't heard from me in 5 months. immediately blown off.
could have sworn i started writing this at 1:45, 2:00 am. but the clock says 1:00. i don't know what the fuck is happening.
i think i might die soon. 2017-2018 i had such violent chronic pain without explanation i thought i was dying. last year i was conviced i wasn't goin to make it to the new year. i saw fifty ways out.
one day i'll step outside and see my corpse standing in the yard, just waiting to become me. i bet it will happen in the next few weeks. the corpse becomes the living body; time moves backwards.