ghost castle

attention

i have a friend that i've been talking to about some of my depressive bullshit. it's nice to have someone who actually cares, wants to listen, and tries to help. it's nice to be heard.

but sometimes, i message them out of nothing more than a desire for attention. i will dig inside myself and conjure up some issue i'm facing and start a dialogue about something that isn't really bothering me, just so that we'll talk about something.

i don't really know if that's lying. i might play up how much the issue is affecting me, but the issue is real. is that manipulative? or is it just stretched honesty?

even if we're talking about these fucked things i'm thinking and feeling, it's better than not talking to anyone for weeks at a time. do you know what it's like to go months without a real conversation? almost a year? i can't describe how much i've tortured myself with loneliness.

the isolation i've imposed on myself for years has left scars and insecurities so deep that i don't know if i'll ever overcome them. i already see myself dealing with them in unhealthy ways.


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